Honesty the best policy : $b or, The history of Roger

Transcriber’s Note
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[Illustration]




  THE

  HISTORY

  OF

  _ROGER_.

[Illustration]




  HONESTY the best POLICY:

  OR, THE

  HISTORY

  OF

  _ROGER_.


  _LONDON_:

  Printed for T. FREEMAN.
  M,DCC,LII.




THE

HISTORY

OF

_ROGER_.


_Roger_ was born of honest parents in _Yorkshire_, and very well to
pass, who gave him a good education; and tho’ he had no liking to any
of the _professions_, yet was not without his share of the _greek_
and _latin_; from which he got this advantage, that he could _spell_
better than most _farmers_ in the parish, and knew the _signification
of words_, as well as if he had been bred at _Cambridge_, and turn’d
out _master of arts_. He seemed to have no design of pushing his
fortune in the wide world; but sat down early on his own farm,
followed husbandry, and improving a _headland_ or two he had near him,
which were quite run out of heart by the slovenly management of his
ancestors, who had, most of them, too much wit to mind their business,
and let things run to wreck strangely.

_ROGER_ looked into every thing himself, ditched, fenced, and limed,
but never _burn’d_ his land, and soon grew a _topping farmer_.

There was a cousin of his, who had a power of special farms in the
_West-riding_, great royalties, and stately woods. _Roger_ prevailed
on him to put the management of them into his hands; and he not only
preserved and enlarged them, but made the family interest better than
ever it was. This got _Roger_ great credit in his own parish, and
all the manor about him; they began to find out he was a prudent,
managing man; and resorted to him for advice at vestries, leets, and
quarter-sessions. Whoever he recommended for overseers, waywardens,
headboroughs, or the like, were sure to be chosen, and always behaved
honestly.

In the mean time, he followed his farming, and kept a warm house in
the old-fashion’d way; and seldom stirred abroad, unless to make up
differences among neighbours, or to meet the _hundred_ for applotting
the land-tax; and by his good will would never have gone farther, or
meddled out of the parish and manor, if the neighbours had let him sit
still. But it happened, at this time, that _Slyboots_, the _Secretary_,
got a commission to be Lord-lieutenant of the county; and besides
arraying the militia, came with a power (as all the county believed) to
get new taxes laid on at the sessions, and double the county charges.
The neighbours, one and all, entreated _Roger_ to go to the county
town, and oppose those _new rates_. Tho’ he thought there was no such
design, yet he chearfully went, and very plainly told the governor
his mind in private, and warned him of trying what he could never
compass. Now, whether it was that _Slyboots_ had no projects in his
head of that kind, or found he could not bring them to bear, certain
it is he did no hurt to the county, and has ever since appeared to be
an honest man. But what alarmed them was his character for sense, and
cunning, and politicks. And, to be sure, they were not out in their
notion of him; for he could bambouzle _Old-nick_ himself, if he sat
about it, and make him do journey-work; much more could he outwit the
poor country folks, which makes me believe he never set about it _in
earnest_. It is impossible else he could have missed it; for he could
out-drink, out-talk, out-joke every man in the province, and could make
a fool, at any time, of the best _Norfolk Attorney_, if he would let
him _parly with him_. Besides, he was, at all times, so _good-humoured_
and _free_, and pushed his bottle so joviously among his acquaintance,
that it was beyond the power of honest men to resist or refuse him any
thing. The whole secret of his behaviour in _Yorkshire_ was, that old
_Suck-fist_, who governed every thing at court, wanted a pretence to
ruin him, as he found _Slyboots_ too hard for him, and too _smoaky_ to
be bantered. Now, says _Suck-fist_ to himself, if he does things beyond
his commission, the county will complain of him, and I’ll back them;
if he be negligent in doing his business, I’ll get him turn’d off. But
_Slyboots_ cunningly put the business on a couple of _mooncalves_,
_Balaam_ the _Parson_, and _Numps_ the _Seneschal_, who he knew could
do nothing, and then laid the blame on them; and, in his merry moods,
would compare himself to a famous rope-dancer, then in town, who walked
the slack-rope with two _lubberly porters_ tyed to her heels.

But, whatever were _Slyboots’s_ intentions, he could make no hand of
_Roger_, who drank with him, laughed with him, shook hands and parted
for the country, where he took to his old way of living, and said
nothing of the matter; for tho’ _Roger_ has often prevented things
being done that would bear hard on the farmers, yet he never vapoured,
or bounced, or took on him, which was so much the worse for him; for
the less he said of himself, the more others talked, and agreed, one
and all, that he was the only man to serve them on _occasion_, as well
in the _county at large_, as _in the parish_.

It happened the _headborough_, who had been chosen many years
successively to that place, died, and every body’s eyes were on _Roger_
to succeed him. The _east_ and _west-ridings_ would hear of nobody
else, ’till _Roger_ honestly told them, there was a farmer in the
_north-riding_ who could serve them better than he, at that time, and
would do all he could to have him into the place; and he was chosen
without opposition, but in a little time died too. Then _Roger_ had no
excuse, and took the office briskly upon himself, tho’ his improvements
at the farm must stop, and he knew he should have but little
pocket-money out of the place, after buying new cloaths, and treating
the constables every quarter-session.

_SLYBOOTS_ was now gone out of the county, and the next who came into
the commission had a different character, and told them positively,
at the meeting of the session, _he wanted nothing_, and only desired
they would take care of themselves. No body ever doubted his word; but,
however, _Roger_ thought there was no hurt in _keeping a good luck
out_, and well he did so; for some people had taken in their heads,
that the county was harrassed by quarter-sessions, and it would be a
great easement to have _no more_, but agree _then_ what _rates_ should
be paid every year, and let the people stay at home, and mind their
plowing and sowing. This contrivance was ingenious enough, and many of
the justices were for it; but the de—l a bitt could they answer some
objections. Suppose, says one, the _County Treasurer_ should squander
the money, who will call him to account? If the constables don’t
do their duty, who will _fine_ them? If the _army moroded_, _built
sconces_, _kicked the neighbours_, _ruined the game_, where should
they be tyed? To all which questions, and a thousand more, there was
but this answer: That the _county governors_ would always be honest
men; that the county treasurer would scorn to pocket their money; the
constables should be the best sort of people in the world; and the
soldiers as quiet as so many lambs. Almost half the justices closed
with these _reasons_; but _Roger_ and his friends thought it possible,
that once in an age there might be a _crook-finger’d treasurer_, a
_knavish constable_, or a _swaggering captain_, and of the two, were
rather of opinion the experiment ought not to be made, and so outvoted
the justices who were for it. No body charged the governor with having
a hand in this, or tampering with the justices, tho’ it was thought
he could not have misliked it, as it would have saved him a world
of trouble. The _same people_, a little while after, observed how
unwholesome the fashion was of wearing _woollen cloaths_, that _linen_
coats were much better, and would come cheaper, as that manufacture
was in plenty all over the north; and wanted a rule to be made, that
the _exciseman_ should cutt the skirts off every coat made of wool,
and the boys have liberty to squirt the kennel on them, as they do
now on _callicoes_ and _cambricks_; but _Roger_ seldom changed the
fashion _of his cloaths_, and told the projectors it would certainly
throw the whole county into _agues_, and bring such _fits_ on them
as all the _powder_ in _Mexico_ could never cure: So that project
was never mentioned more; and, from that time, _Roger_ had so gained
the good opinion of the justices, that for some years, all _whims_
and _projects_ seemed to be at an end, as they found he would never
give into them. But all the while _Roger_’s credit with the justices
was looked on with an evil eye, by many of the top men in the county,
as well as neighbours in his own parish, who were trying under-hand
to lessen it; but the first who set up openly against him was _Nim_,
the _corporal_. He was a _cunning shaver_, and a notable _Jack at all
trades_. He was first a foot Soldier, and a good duty-man, only he
would play cards too _often on guard_. He was always at _putt_ and
_all fours_, got most of his Comrade’s pay, and, in the end, stripped
all his acquaintance. He was on the point of getting a halbert when
he quitted the army. He married a rich widow; then another rich
widow. He got by selling, got by buying, and every way money flowed
in a-pace. He had lately bought a fine farm from _Roger_’s cousin,
and almost bounded him. With this encrease of interest, he thought
himself big enough to attack _Roger_ in his head quarters. Besides,
he had concerns in other counties, monies in bank, and was twice the
_better man_, as we say. He was moreover one of the _quorum_. He had
a son, who was sent to see the world early, and learn fashions, and
a clever person of a man he was, and a _beau_ among the play-houses
and _dancing-schools_. _Nim_ laid a design to aggrandize his family,
by marrying him to a daughter of the _new deputy_, who was quite a
different kind of man either than _Slyboots_, or the last deputy; he
seemed to desire nothing but _peace_ and _plenty_, and was as plain
and _downright_ as any ordinary _Gaffer_; his friends would fain have
him take state upon him, but he could not away with it. _Nim_ brushed
up to him, told him how many farms he had; how many tenants; what an
interest he had among the justices; that if he would let him manage
his affairs he might _walk the fields_ from morning to night, and not
trouble himself with business. He liked the proposal, (for he hated
_gaffing_ and _disputing_) and closed _Nim_’s request to marry his
daughter to his son and heir. _Nim_ was now sure he had the game in
his hand, and resolved to take the first opportunity to have a tryal
of skill with _Roger_. It happened one of the _Verdurer_’s died in the
_East-riding_, and another must be chosen to keep the _king’s game_.
Tho’ _Roger_’s interest was less in that _Riding_ than in the two
other, yet he would not let his _bone go_ without a snap or two. _Nim_
told the deputy there should be no struggle, that not one of the _pack_
would venture to shew his teeth against him, that he would carry it
off with a _Tally-hoh_. _Roger_ laugh’d in his sleeve, and knew he had
the better interest, (tho’ he did not chuse to talk in dog-language)
and very quietly put his own man in the _verdurer_’s place. This was a
deadly blow to _Nim_; he saw the substantial farmers were for _Roger_.
If he could’n’t carry his point in his own royalty and _Riding_, what
must he do in other parts? So he resolved to join with _Roger_ ’till a
better time offered, and indeed was quite desperate when he _came to
terms_. It was not long ’till an accident fell out that revived his
hopes; it happened, critically, that the parson of the _minster_ died
by a surfeit of pork; it was a main good parish, with a swinging glebe;
he had _prebends_, and _petty canons_ in his disposal, could rule
the _vestry_, recommend overseers, and govern quite down to curates,
clerks and sextons; which, with his power of _benediction_, made him
altogether one of the top men in the _county_. _Nim_ resolved to avail
himself of this opportunity, and recommend one to the _deputy_, to come
in the place of old _Trulliber_, who should join him against _Roger_.

There was a young curate _lately_ come into the neighbourhood, a
great _crony_ of _Nim_’s family, and well liked by every body else.
He was sprightly, generous and good natured; a good scholar, and a
good preacher for a young man; but, above all, had so taking, modest a
behaviour, that every one who saw him became his friend, or, at least,
was wise enough to dissemble his dislike. All wheels were set a going
to make him parson of the _minster_; and to say justice, the young man
was not idle in doing for himself. He came in with universal applause,
tho’ one of _his_ years had never been in that place before. _Roger_
was glad of his preferment, and whenever the parish met at vestry,
or the _hundred_, to applot the land-tax, shew’d him great civility
and compliments, which the parish observing, encreased their respect
for the parson; and the few who were disatisfied with his advancement
changed their note; his youth was now no longer an objection; it was
an happiness to have an active young man among them, instead of an old
_mumpsimus_, to sleep all sermon time, or an old _pig-doctor_, who
had no learning but a receipt for curing the meazles: And, for a good
while, he gave general satisfaction, till bad company was the spoil of
him, and by degrees led him into projects he never thought to meddle
with in the beginning.

_AMBITION_, as well as a _law-suit_, may be compared to a _wire-mill_;
if it get you by the finger, it draws in your whole body; or, ambition
grows on men as they advance higher, as on going up a hill, every step
enlarges the prospect: But whether it was his _own ambition_, or only
friendship for _ambitious men_, it is fact he plunged over head and
ears, and did not look how he leaped.

_NIM_ had a _brave boy_ for his second son, a _buck_ and a _buffer_.
He was a great favourite of the old corporal, who spared nothing
to make a _man of him_, and got him another daughter of the deputy
for a wife, and a tight wench she was; but it was no easy matter to
bring young _Hopeful_ to take a liking for business; _foot-ball_ and
_prison-bars_ were his delight. He could never be sober for the blood
of him, or orderly, or rest a moment in a place; if he went to sermon,
he was every turn whistling or kicking his heels, and the curate said
he would never come to good. But _Nim_ was resolved to have him a man
of business, and got him put into his own place, which was _surveyor_
of the _excise_; and indeed it was time for _Nim_ to quit, as, either
from carelessness or having his ink _too thick_, he was very apt to
leave _blots_ in his book. Well, a surveyor was young _Hopeful_, and
did well enough; his carriage was more stay’d, and he looked sometimes
(especially in company with the excisemen) as if he was _thinking_; but
when a holyday came he was as gamesom as ever, and he contrived to make
_more_ holydays than are marked in the almanack, having bought (for
that purpose) a new prayer-book, with births, martyrdoms, massacres and
coronations, all put together along with _saints_, male and female,
_blacks_ and _whites_, he religiously observed them all, and would have
honoured, willingly, a hundred more; such a regard had he for the _holy
church_.

_NIM_ now thought it was time to push himself forward, and, forgetting
his agreement with _Roger_, set all hands to work. The _Parson_ was his
fast friend. _Hopeful_ was now a man of enterprize, and, if holydays
did not come thick, could _stick_ to _business_. _Nim_’s _first_ scheme
was to have him made _chairman_ at the quarter-session, as that would
make him popular among the justices; and, if they had a majority of
the justices, they could do any business the deputy had a mind, and
so _Roger_ might be laid by. They worked cunning enough for a while.
_Nim_, with his son and heir _Hopeful_, and his _comrades_, were all
_court_ and _compliment_ to _Roger_, cryed him up in all companies;
but, under-hand, were setting the _Parson_ against him, and engaged
to the _Parson_, that he should _rule the roast_, in a little time,
instead of _Roger_, and have all the farmers and _yeomanry_ on his
side; tho’ they meant nothing less than _his interest_; for indeed it
was impossible he could be bettered by any interest, or get any more
preferment; but they thought it _politick_ to let him _appear_ to be
the _principal_. _Roger_ got an _inkling_ of their design, but resolved
they should _shew themselves_ a little more before _he_ set about to
_shew_ them. They were watching all opportunities to get new friends
among the justices, and try’d to get one of the _King’s boatmen_ into
the commission. They pushed him on, and assisted him with might and
main; and all the while were writing, and cursing, and swearing to
_Roger_, they were against him; and that if _Roger_ did not like to
have him on the bench, they would soon put a _spoke in his wheel_, and
stop his driving. _Roger_ thanked them, but thought himself as good
a workman as any of them, and _put the spoke into the wheel_ without
standing to their curtesy; so the _boatman_ went back to his station.
_Roger_ now had a clear view of every thing they intended, and how
they put off matters to a more lucky time. _Roger_ had few tricks in
him; but was not to be _caught with chaff_. Moreover, he had used some
times to set traps in the meadows to catch the _old foxes_, and thought
it might be easy to snap the _cubs_.

_NIM_’s _party_, for he appeared but little in it himself, were all
youngsters, and made a kind of privy-council for the _Parson_. There
was, _imprimis_, young _Hopeful_; _Jack the attorney_, just out his
time; _Dick_ the clerk in the excise-office: But their chief strength
was _ancient Pistol_, lately come from the wars, and content, while
the peace lasted, to _doff_ his sword and jack-boots for the more
gainful employment of a _scrivener_; and to do the _blade_ justice, he
wrote a main _good hand_, and was a fair spoken lad as you would hear
in a hundred; but he was deadly fond of _pitch’d battles_, with as
little luck as they had in _Flanders_, and seemed to have less skill
in a _home_ war than a _foreign one_, where he behaved as well as
any of them. _Roger_ saw them in high spirits, and soon gave them an
opportunity of exerting them.

_Gimcrack_, one of their cronies, had been _put in_ by the _deputy_
to oversee the _bridges_ in the county, repair market-houses and
hospitals, (tho’ not the session-house) and was allowed handsomely
for his trouble. Now, it was _Gimcrack_’s misfortune, not to know
the difference between a _cube_ and _arch_, a _skylight_ and a
_Venetian_, and other things of little consequence in masonry; but
the material part of the _mystery_ he understood _to a root_. If
he repaired a bridge, he charged _double_; if he did not repair
it, _quadruple_; if there was _no bridge, sixteen_; and so, all in
_geometrical_ proportions, that he might not go _out of rule_. When
he brought his bill before the _grand-jury, Hopeful_ wondered how he
could work so cheap; _Pistol_ moved he might have the thanks of the
county for his _parsimonious_ management of the publick money, _ten
pounds_ of which he saved them to demonstration; for in one bill he
charged _twenty_, and in another only _ten pounds_. But when _Roger_
looked on the _dates_, he found the _last_ bill was _twenty_, which
seemed to him to overturn the demonstration; and, for the little he
knew of _arithmetick_, thought it looked more like _addition_ than
_substraction_. But _Gimcrack_’s friends made light of these remarks,
clapped him on the back, and swore they would bear him harmless.

And here they fairly threw off all reserve, bit the _nail_, and turned
the heel on _Roger_; and a thousand stories they told of _him_ and his
friends to the _deputy_. First, _Roger_ had no interest at all; then
he had so much that he was _dangerous_; then _Gimcrack_ was the best
_bridge-builder_ in the world; _Roger_ was for having _every bridge_
and _market-house_ in the county fall to decay, from the desire he
had to see the county ruined, and the people _sink_ or _swim_ for his
diversion. The Deputy, who was really a good-natured man, pity’d the
poor people, and joined to take them out of _Roger_’s hands; he spoke
to his acquaintance of the _grand-jury_; and tho’ he did not _reflect_
on _Roger_, yet he mainly magnify’d the _Parson_, and wished they would
take any directions _he_ should _send them_, as he could not go among
them himself, which, he _said_, and _Pistol_ swore, should be for their
good. So, on both sides, they mustered their forces, and _Roger_, on
the _poll_, had just two in three of his side, and _Gimcrack_ went to
pot.

This was a cruel blow, but chiefly bore hard on _young Hopeful_; if
ever he had a chance for the _chair_ at quarter-sessions, it was now
over; the whole county saw the design on both sides. The _Parson_ and
_Hopeful_ wanted to rule the county, who, for aught we know, might do
it well; but we were _sure Roger_ had done so. He wanted nothing,
and asked nothing for himself; one of his sons got a second-hand pair
of _red breeches_ and _white stockings_, which he paid more for than
if he had bought them in _Monmouth-street_. He got a friend of his
made an _exciseman_; but when he asked for a _constable’s place_ he
was refused. However, he went on in the old track, and _Hopeful_ and
the _Parson_ redoubled their efforts to _oust_ him. One plot they laid
upon another, and trick upon trick. _Pistol_ (who was _pretty much a
stranger_) wondered none of them succeeded; but they wanted somebody
to tell them, that tho’ _tricks_ may get the better of a _trickster_,
they are lost and squandered on one who has no _tricks_. If a man takes
to _corners_, or _short turns_, you may _meet_ him on a short turn, or
find him in a corner; but how the D——l will you catch him if he never
comes there? _Roger_ walked the _turnpike_ and the _middle stone_ of
the street. _Hopeful_, _Pistol_, and the _Parson_, were all _peeping_
to watch him. Now, says _Hopeful_, he’ll come down this _bye turn_.
Here, says the _Parson_, down this alley, as it’s the _nearest way_.
_Pistol_ was sure of him at the _turn-stile_. But _Roger_ had found,
by _constant walking_, that farthest about was the _ready way home_.
When they saw him _fairly_ passed, they _looked_ at one another like
a sett of _rooks_, who have lost their money to a _fair gamester_;
and since they could not _take him in_, or make any thing of the
game they first took in hand, they began to attack his _friends_ and
_cronies_. One had a _little allowance_ from the county for something
_he had done_; another, perhaps, for something he _had not done_; a
third, in consideration of his father’s having been willing to do some
service to the county, if he had happened to have ever been in it; and
the like gratifications were bestowed on many, but not by _Roger_’s
recommendation. He got indeed a small pittance for _Treat-all_, which
just served to buy him a few _Ortolans_, and a little canary wine. All
these they _cashiered_ to vex _Roger_; whereas he cared not, for any
matter of profit he had, if they took his own places away. Upon their
being _convinced_ of _Roger_’s _resolution_ in these and sundry other
points, they put his _friends_ on the _list_ again, and turned their
whole resentment on the _exciseman_, who had talked briskly in all
companies on _Roger_’s behalf. Besides, the _surveyors_ did not rightly
like him. All the _brewers_ of the parish hated him into the bargain,
because he kept them tight, and made them _drink as they brewed_; but
the former _exciseman_ they adored, and a good man he was; they might
_brew_ three times a week for him; and yet look over his book for a
month it was all silent. Now and then, on an office day, he might
condemn a barrel of small beer for example.

But to draw to an end of this _first part of the history_. _Roger_ has
more interest than ever; the _Parson_ seems to have done; _Nim_ has
retired into the country; _Hopeful_ may look after his _surveying_,
and play foot-ball on holydays; _Pistol_ is gone back to change his
cloaths, and exercise his men. And now they are all parted, we may hope
for peace and quietness ’till next _Quarter-session_.


_FINIS._




  Transcriber’s Notes

  pg 10 Changed: To all which questions, and a thouand more
             to: To all which questions, and a thousand more

  pg 13 Changed: (for he hated gaffring and disputing)
             to: (for he hated gaffing and disputing)

  pg 23 Changed: which just served to buy him af ew Ortolans
             to: which just served to buy him a few Ortolans