How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I have been married for 33 years. Four years ago this month was the last time I had sex with my wife. I am done initiating and being rejected. We have talked about this and my need for sexual intimacy. It makes me feel desired, needed, and fulfilled. I have said all those things to her and she acknowledges them, but does not act. So I have stopped.
Instead I have found a great website for watching porn and have truly grown to enjoy masturbating. The challenge is finding different ways to pleasure myself. I have a penis vibrator and a sleeve. I am looking for more ways to enjoy my orgasms. I love my wife and have no plans to leave her. I do however refuse to stop being sexual, even if it is alone. Any novel ideas or toys I can consider?
—I Need a Helping Hand
Dear I Need a Helping Hand,
What you describe in your letter is an ethical way to balance your libido with your wife’s apparent disinterest in sex. Kudos. If you are truly enjoying masturbating, finding different ways to do it doesn’t necessarily need to feel like a challenge—more an adventure? Exploring? A way of keeping things interesting? Making something good still good but in a different way? The point is if you are truly enjoying this, you can keep enjoying it without putting pressure on yourself to change things for the sake of it.
Of course, people love variety and there are loads of options out there for you to try. There are sleeves like the Fleshlight and its ilk, which aim to replicate the aesthetics of the vulva and vagina for a realistic solo experience. There are less ornate and bulky sleeves and strokers to provide alternative sensations. There are penis pumps and rings that you can experiment with. Then there are anal toys if you want to get into that, like butt plugs, prostate massagers, and dildos. These can greatly enhance the masturbatory experience
What you should do is browse either a local store or an online one like Babeland to see what piques your interest. (Even better: If you have a Babeland near you, its employees tend to be knowledgeable and approachable so you can ask them questions about specific items.) Just make sure you keep in mind that this is all in the name of fun. When it starts to feel like work, it’s time to scale back. Enjoy yourself.
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Dear How to Do It,
I’m a 37-year-old woman. As far as I can tell, I’m completely asexual. I’ve never been attracted to anyone beyond a sort of superficial “oh yes, he or she is attractive” kind of thing. I kissed a few boys and a girl once in high school and college, did some mutual groping, but even that was mostly to avoid being teased by my friends for being weird. Once the social pressure stopped, I stopped, and I’ve never regretted it.
But there’s this guy, “Harold.” A co-worker, but it’s the sort of thing of same company, different departments. Neither of us report to the other. I do quite enjoy his company. He’s funny and smart and always seems to have something interesting to talk about. And he asked me for a date, because I am apparently the most beautiful woman he ever met.
I do like the idea of spending time with him. I could even like the idea of living with him, in a live-in-the-same-house-and-hang-out-a-lot thing. But, the overwhelmingly likely possibility is he is allosexual himself and will want to have the relationship become sexual at some point. I’m not opposed to the idea, but at least for me, this would definitely be, “Well, he’s definitely going to want it.” An investment in his happiness.
I’m not really sure how to go about this sort of thing. I feel it would be dishonest to keep this from him, but I’m not exactly sure how to bring it up, or what would be a good framing for it. Can you help? I’ve never really done these kinds of relationships.
—Dipping My Toes In
Dear Dipping My Toes In,
You have plenty of time to feel the situation out. You don’t have to commit to or reveal anything related to your asexuality upfront. Whatever their sexuality, people date to get to know each other. Part of the process involves feeling the other person out to see if you’re comfortable showing more of yourself, whatever that may entail. It would be dishonest to signal that you are allosexual, experienced, and full of sexual desire. However, taking a little bit of time to decide whether you want to discuss something so personal with Harold is absolutely fair.
But don’t be dishonest. If the subject comes up and there is no way to discuss without lying or gymnastically dodging the truth, tell him then. A situation like that could actually be a good opportunity. It might be easier to discuss in a conversation that naturally flows to the topic rather than having to bring it up yourself. When you do discuss it, it’s OK to express uncertainty. You can tell him you like him. You can explain that you’re inexperienced, and that furthermore, you’re not exactly sure what a sexual relationship will look like given your asexuality. Keep in mind that this may be a difficult thing to explain. Many people just aren’t aware of what asexuality involves and that some asexual people do have and enjoy sex. You can explain to Harold that the most common universal definition of asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to other people. This does not mean the lack of all attraction. He may understand “asexual” to mean that you hate or at least want to avoid sex. You can explain that may not be the case, but that you aren’t sure what it will ultimately mean. There are a few books I recommend to people who write in about asexuality, Angela Chen’s Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex and Cody Daigle-Orians’ I Am Ace: Advice on Living Your Best Asexual Life. These might help spark insights about your own asexuality, as well as giving you some language with which to discuss it. They may also be useful to Harold, as well. Granted, there is a chance that when you do discuss this with him, he may not understand or even reject you for it. But given how kind he’s been to you so far, he may exercise patience or even curiosity. That would be a great sign that he’s worth sticking with.
Dear How to Do It,
In order to allow my wife to explore her bisexuality, I suggested we open up our marriage on her end. She insists on allowing the same for me. Truthfully, I’m not certain that I want to take advantage of her offer, but I also feel like I’d be a fool not to at least dip my toe in (as it were).
I am in my mid-50s, told I look about 10 years younger, reasonably fit, healthy, and — I’m told — a generous and giving lover.
I guess my first step would be to get on the apps? But…which apps? And how do I present myself to make it clear that I’m not looking for a relationship, just some fun…especially without coming across as a creepy old man? Since I’m only looking for fun, how concerned should I be about age gaps? Is it OK to look at women as young as 40, or should I keep my age range closer to my own? I really don’t want to seem — or actually BE! — gross! This is all very new to me and I don’t want to misstep.
—Willing But Unsure
Dear Willing But Unsure,
You’re going into this mindfully and aware of how you might come off, which is great. Retain that awareness. The more careful you are of not coming off as a creep, the less likely you are to do so. And sincerely caring about this stuff in general is already a non-creepy way to be.
A lot of people use apps for hook-ups in addition to or even instead of finding a relationship. Even an app like Tinder, which at least in theory was made for dating, has a reputation for providing fast, easy sex. Feeld is one that we recommend in this column a lot as it tends to attract a sex-positive clientele that is well-versed in non-monogamy. You’re very likely to encounter profiles on Feeld of people in open relationships that are just looking for a good time. It’s very easy to announce this in your profile: “Just looking for fun, nothing serious,” or some other verbiage along those lines that feels right to you.
Age gaps are controversial and I think will continue to be for good reason, as they can indicate unsavory/predatory behavior. But nothing is so cut and dried to make age gaps definitively verboten especially in a cruising context. (Traditionally in gay spaces, cruising has has the effect of making this kind of demographical information irrelevant, as it’s been predicated on anonymity and leaning into the moment that’s divorced from the larger context of one’s life.) When we’re talking about grown adults making the decision to have sex together, it seems awfully condescending to imply that one party’s consent is less valid simply because they are substantially younger than the person that they’re interested in meeting up with. Yes, people will look askance at you if you’re dating/marrying someone in her early 20s. But as people get older this matters less and less. Anyone who thinks a 30-year-old woman is wrong for hooking up with a guy in his 50s is being overly judgmental or simply a concern troll. I don’t think you have a thing to worry about when it comes to women in their 40s. By then they’ve had decades to understand exactly what they’re getting into in such an encounter. In general, I don’t think you need to worry about protecting them from yourself, unless you’re someone who has a habit of violating consent and in that case, you should get off apps and seek professional help.
—Rich
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