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How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a 23-year-old woman and in my first serious relationship with “Sean,” a 24-year-old man. We both live in the same smallish town, and when I came back after university, we hit it off. Things are generally good, but he told me something the other day that has left me badly shaken.
We were talking a bit about our sex lives before meeting each other, and he mentioned that his first time was at 14 years old with a woman I know in town (let’s call her “Candice”), who is now about 50. He said it very casually/lightheartedly, even though what it was is clearly statutory rape.
He hasn’t seen Candice in a while—nothing more than just a casual, passing interaction—and he’s not looking to re-establish contact. But he also doesn’t seem to be traumatized by this, or even understand that there’s any reason for him to be. I’m not sure if I should be trying to educate him on the full significance of what happened here, or if I should be doing anything about Candice besides avoiding her. I worry that I’ll tear open whatever emotional scabbing he’s done around it without replacing it with anything better. But it also feels terrible to just sit here and do nothing. What should I be doing here?
—Troubled
Dear Troubled,
Listen to your gut. While you may or may not “tear open whatever emotional scabbing he’s done,” the bigger picture here, at least in terms of what you are telling yourself, is that you’re out of your depth. You’re not a therapist. It’s not your job to help your boyfriend dig up trauma that may or may not exist. He doesn’t live in a jar; surely, he is aware of the age of consent and that he was below it when the encounter with Candice took place. It may not ultimately matter to him if he wasn’t traumatized by the experience.
Of course, as an outsider and particularly in this cultural climate, it makes sense that what he described horrified you. Many who go through similar experiences do carry trauma. It’s true that not all who do realize it. But you’re better off being a sounding board that could potentially get your boyfriend to a place where he can recognize that potential trauma himself than you are someone who is going to instill in him that he is damaged. It’s OK to ask questions, though ideally that would have happened during his reveal. There’s nothing wrong with circling back; you just don’t want to come off as fixated on something that he discussed casually. That could put him off the topic entirely. So, as casually as possible to match his vibe, bring up the Candice affair again and ask him how he feels about it today. You can point out that many would consider this abuse and ask him how he feels about that. But keep your inquiry relaxed. Don’t tell him how he should/secretly does feel, and accept what he says. The experience is his, and he’s allowed to process it however he does.
—Rich
More Advice From Slate
My long-term and loving boyfriend (37) and I (43-year-old woman) had our first threesome last night. This brought to reality a fantasy that we had been discussing and planning for a long time, as we started to dip our toes into the lifestyle. We spent months talking about our rules, expectations, and hopes. While out of town, we connected with a great woman who went out for ice cream with us and then went back to our place—where, after things got started, my guy changed the plans with no discussion.