Most people are terrible house guests. Here’s how to be better.
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I’ve always been a budget traveler, which means I’ve often opted to stay with friends or family in a new city to save on hotels or vacation homes. I’ve also hosted my fair share of guests to pay it forward—call it “couch karma.”
As inflation rises, people are seeking more affordable ways to travel. Staying with someone you know is one of the easiest ways to cut costs, but here’s the thing: it’s cheap but certainly not free. Sure, you might save hundreds–or thousands–of dollars on lodging. But someone else is paying for your savings with their groceries, their time, their interrupted routines, and their personal sanity.
I’ve been the host and hosted. I’ve overstayed my welcome. I’ve underestimated how much work it is. I’ve bitten my tongue when my guests did things that drove me nuts. I’ve noticed the teeth marks on my friend’s tongue. Most hosts are too polite to tell you what’s bothering them. But the rules of being a good house guest need to be said, so I’m going to speak up.
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Be Thoughtful
Never show up empty-handed, advises etiquette expert Jo Hayes. If they’re wine drinkers, a nice bottle of wine. If they have kids, books for the kids, and even harder alcohol for the parents. Reach into your regift pile, dust off a scented candle, and pop it in a gift bag. Better yet, bring something from your hometown, be it swag from the local sports team or a local delicacy. The more effort you put into it, the less effort your host has to expend pretending they like it.
Yes, You Should Venmo Your Host
If you just saved $1500 on hotel expenses, offer to Venmo your host to cover a grocery store trip or a meal out. It’s unfair in this economy for someone to put you up in their home and feed you. Prices on everyday items, including groceries and transportation, are up around 25% since January 2020, according to CNBC, which means hosting costs more. You might also leave a gift card for the local gas station—or liquor store—on your departure. Err on the side of generosity—don’t be a cheapskate; especially when your host is saving you money.
Your Host’s Life Doesn’t Revolve Around Your Visit
You may be on vacation, but your host isn’t. They still need to work. Go to doctor’s appointments. Shuttle kids to practices. Walk their pooch. Even if they’ve cleared their schedule for you, remember that you’re stepping into their routine and their world, not the other way around.
In one study from Club Wyndham, 68% of people say that they need more alone time to feel connected to the people they are traveling with. This applies to staying with someone, too, especially as you’re occupying their space. Your host does not want to spend every waking minute together. They love you, but they also probably miss having the bathroom to themselves.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Familiarity breeds contempt. Find the middle ground. Don’t act as a boarder but also don’t feel you have to be in their presence 24/7, says Hayes.
Don’t Be a Delusional Guest
Guests can be delusional about how pleasant they are to host. I’ve been one of them. Who wouldn’t want to hear my stories, hilarious as they are, again until the crack of dawn? Three out of four Americans even see themselves as the perfect guest, that same Club Wyndham study found. Four out of four roommates beg to differ.
Two things will be true. They can’t wait for you to arrive; they can’t wait for you to leave. Set the schedule, make it specific, and barring any shelter-in-place scenarios, keep to the plan. Send them your itinerary so they know exactly when to put the finishing touches on your arrival and when to plan that long exhale after they wave goodbye.
When it comes to hosting or getting hosted, Hayes says everything centers on clear, open communication. One good rule of thumb: leave a day earlier than you’d prefer. Nobody has ever ruined a friendship by leaving too soon. It’s like the old adage goes, guests, like fish, start to stink after three days.
Don’t Actually Make Yourself at Home
As soon as you’ve had a chance to hug and compliment each other on how much younger and thinner y’all look, ask about the house rules. Shoes on or off? When do people wake up and go to bed? What’s the breakfast routine like? Is it every soul for themselves or please don’t touch the toaster? If you’re going to be there long enough to want to do laundry, find out about that. Make no assumptions. Get the lay of the land. If they have pets, find out the dos and don’ts. And for goodness sake, don’t actually make yourself at home.
Your Host Isn’t Housekeeping
Try to do chores. Your host is already doing you a favor. They shouldn’t have to clean up after you. There’s a chance they’ll say no and mean it. They might have strict rules on how to load a dishwasher, or they might not want to spend the next six months looking for cups and butter knives. Despite this, offer in all sincerity, bracing yourself for the yes, and doing your best if they take you up on them. Hayes agrees. “Guests should be ever looking for ways to help the host.” Walk the dog. Unload the dishwasher. Take out the trash. Make it so they never want you to leave, she encourages.
Make a Graceful Exit
Clean and tidy your space before you abandon it. Yes, they will most likely enter the spare room you occupied in a hazmat suit, boil the sheets, and sandblast the walls. Still, making the bed or even preparing the sheets for laundry shows your appreciation. Let them know when you’ve arrived at home, so they can breathe a sigh of relief that you’re not stranded at the airport and still their responsibility.
Also, don’t forget to send a note of thanks—how great it was to see them again, how you can’t wait for them to visit you—even if you live in a place where nobody wants to go. And whatever you do, just remember that staying with friends is never really free. They paid with their groceries. Quiet. Privacy. Normal routines. Sometimes, even their favorite chair in the dining room or a coveted spot on the couch. They did it all while pretending not to notice your wet towel on the bathroom floor. The least you can do is make them glad they invited you.