When I was growing up, my dad, God rest his soul, used to say, “Never tell anyone your problems because half the people don’t care, and the other half are glad it happened to you.” Even though my empathetic self struggled with that sentiment, I’ll admit there were times when someone would yawn during my description of some plight, and I would see Dad’s face in my mind’s eye and smile.
I didn’t set out to purposely disprove Dad’s statement. Writing has naturally made me more open than Dad probably would have liked. Through this work, I’ve discovered there’s a balance between judicious secrecy about private matters, and authentic openness with those who need support. We live in a world that, in some cases, encourages oversharing, especially online, with little regard for feelings. Conversely, others may become guarded and unwilling to share for fear of being hurt. As Catholics, discerning when to choose privacy versus openness in an oversharing culture can be tricky, yet achievable.
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Drawing the line between sharing and gossip
We’ve all been there. The temptation to share a juicy piece of gossip is real. I remember a homily from a few years ago, when our parish priest preached an effective way to discern how to navigate oversharing and gossip. He suggested that before acting on the temptation to repeat information, we ask ourselves this question: “Is what I am about to communicate kind, necessary, and true?” If it fails any of these tests, it should not be shared. Sounds simple, right? Try it. It works!
Recently, a friend begged me to give her information she knew was confidential and had been entrusted to me by another friend. Even though the information was true, I realized that telling her wasn’t kind or necessary. When I refused to tell her, she was initially upset and accused me of not trusting her. I explained that she should feel fortunate that I am keeping our mutual friend’s secret, for if I had told her, it would be a clear indication that I wouldn’t be keeping her secrets either. She agreed. Remember, if it is not kind, necessary, and true, don’t communicate it!
Protecting what has been entrusted to us
Any veteran, like my husband and late Dad, knows that casually sharing sensitive information can lead to disaster. Having a variety of communication tools at our fingertips makes it even more important to carefully decide what and when to share. Once communicated, it’s not always possible to take it back.
Have you ever given away information that led to life-altering consequences? Years ago, I carelessly shared information that destroyed the trust of five dear friends. My heart broke. In the end, I lost friendships that I never got back. That mistake taught me a hard but valuable lesson about confidentiality, trust, and the negative effects of bad communication. I learned that friendship is a gift from God and it is to be cherished. When discerning when to share trusted information, it is wise to consider the person’s safety and best interests, along with what impact it could have on your relationships.
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Making space for others
Openness can be a gift, especially if sharing a personal experience can help someone feel less alone. If you are communicating because someone needs comfort and support and your story can help them cope, then do share. However, it’s important to examine your motives. If you are waiting to tell the person your experience to one-up their story, try to resist the urge. We have all met someone who will tell you how they did it better, stronger, and longer than you have, or that they suffered tenfold in the same situation. That’s rarely helpful. Instead, I have found that listening can also be a form of openness. When we open our ears and heart with genuine interest in what the person is sharing, we are giving our time, love, and compassion. In return, we receive the gift of knowledge and the virtue of patience that often comes with listening.
Learning discretion from Saint Therese of Lisieux
When I am struggling to discern secrecy versus openness, I call upon Saint Therese of Lisieux. Why? Because she suffered quietly and did not make big, bold public announcements for attention. Instead, she taught us “The Little Way.” I’m pretty sure that if she had social media, she wouldn’t have posted her sufferings and problems. Instead, she was humble in her openness when she wrote about her personal spiritual experiences. She chose openness out of love, not to seek attention but rather to help others and bring us closer to God. In today’s modern world, her same logic applies and is timeless. Before I share or comment online, I ask myself, “Will this content serve to help others?” “Am I being humble and pure in my intent?” “Who is my audience?” “Will my message bring someone closer to God?” Our online presence should always mirror our same morals and ethics we strive to live by as Catholics.
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Speak the truth as if you had a million voices – Saint Catherine of Sienna
When we experience the Holy Spirit, it is next to impossible to keep the good news about Jesus a secret. We are filled with joy and openness to share so others can feel the same way. Openness requires courage, humility, and trust. There are also times when we must speak up when it directly impacts our own safety or that of others. To my dad’s point, whenever we dare to share problems, we risk judgment, gossip, mockery, and doubt. But, in the end, it doesn’t matter what others think about us but rather what God thinks. I hope Dad understands why I chose to “be open” with his advice!