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How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My wife and I are in our late 50s. As we got older, our libidos decreased. Mine is down, but my wife’s “crashed and burned.” She has no interest in sex, yet there’s no medical reason for this other than menopause. She’s not in pain—she’s just not interested. She even gave me permission to go outside our marriage, but I declined, as that felt unacceptable due to our beliefs. She said she was thankful that I said that, and that she would have sex with me every other week or so. That is the way it has been for the last couple of years. We still go on romantic date nights, and we sit on the couch and cuddle while watching TV and movies. We’re still in love, just not having sex like we used to.
My question is, after reading about marital rape, does this situation fall under that definition? Is this sex against my spouse’s will? Again, she seemed sure she didn’t want to have sex at all, but then agreed to have it every once and awhile, as she feels it’s her “duty.” She has never said she hates having sex, she’s just indifferent about it.
I am torn about what to think. On the one hand, she says it is OK to have sex, but not very often. On the other hand, I know she really isn’t into it and probably not enjoying it.
—Uneasy
Dear Uneasy,
What you describe likely does not qualify as rape. Your wife not only has consented to this sex, it was her idea in the first place. People can agree to have sex for various reasons. Their own gratification is just one. Pleasing their partner is another. The bar for consent isn’t whether the sex is satisfying or born of unbridled lust. It’s whether or not the parties are engaging in this activity of their own free will. Your wife is. If the situation were tweaked only slightly—say you were the one who suggested that she have sex with you a few times a month so that you didn’t seek sex outside your relationship—that could be coercive, and I’d be more worried. But that’s not the case. This may seem like an utterly selfless act on her part, and maybe it is, but if she’s doing it for the wellbeing of your relationship, she serves to benefit from the sex—just not in the typically conceived ways of pleasure and orgasm.
There’s no evidence in your letter that she feels pressured or coerced. But you can always ask her about this directly. You can still check in to make sure your sexual arrangement is OK with her. Does she have any stress associated with it? Does she feel pressure (from you or her) to keep at it? One thing to keep in mind is potential interference. You said in your letter that she gave you permission for an open relationship, but that you decided this was “unacceptable due to our beliefs.” It doesn’t sound like she is unwavering on those beliefs, as she is the one who suggested that you seek sex outside of the relationship. Because those beliefs are a guiding force, I suspect religion is factoring into these decisions (though I could be wrong!).
If she is having sex with you out of a vague religious or cultural obligation to serve her husband, she may be feeling pressure even if it isn’t coming from you directly. And if that’s the case, you should talk about that. Think about whether you really want to be having sex with someone who’s indoctrinated to feel that it is her duty. Also, think about the quality of sex you are having—if she is distant, palpably uncomfortable or checked out, or otherwise not engaged, you should ask yourself whether that’s the kind of sex you enjoy having. Just because she’s offering doesn’t mean you have to take it.
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Dear How to Do It,
How do people clean their buttholes day-to-day?
I am a 50-year-old man who grew up as a latch-key kid. My public school “health” class was basically “AIDS will kill you if you have sex.” Nothing was said about hygiene (for the boys, anyway).
I have a good diet, I have regular medical checkups and colonoscopies etc., but I still sometimes smell my own butthole. And I sometimes have poops that leave their mark, as it were. And sometimes there is laundry that I’m embarrassed about.
I’m not repulsed by the idea or existence of poop, or anything. I’ve raised two kids, so I have been knee-deep in it. I feel like I have been winging it with my butthole for the last 30 years, and I would like to know the consensus of adults who are about my age about how to specifically and actually do a good job cleaning their buttholes, for social purposes.
What is the courteous way to wipe?
—Wiper Don’t Wipe
Dear Wiper Don’t Wipe,
How do people clean their buttholes? A lot of them, in a word, don’t. There’s been a lot of hole hygiene discourse this year, like a TikTok in which most of the gym bros surveyed copped to having skid marks. Singer Eric Benét posted a testimonial from the bathtub in which he stated that men who avoid cleaning their holes for fear that it’s too gay are, in fact, probably gay. The clip went viral and inspired Hot 97’s DJ Envy to admit on air that he didn’t really do a thorough job until he was showering with his wife, who “got all in there,” showing him the way. This, in turn, inspired a conversation on Joe Budden’s podcast. The takeaway is that too many people, men in particular, are not washing their asses, which is frankly ridiculous if you want anyone’s head near that general vicinity, and a lot of men very much do want that.
It’s really simple, but it requires contact with the actual hole, which is taboo for people who are afraid of their own bodies. Whatever your method of applying soap, whether it’s via washcloth or directly by hand (probably not the best idea to rub bar soap up against the anus, but if that’s what it’s going to take to get you spotless, go for it), just make sure scrub it and rinse thoroughly. Trimming/shaving the hair around your hole will make it easier to keep clean (poop sometimes clings to the hairs). Beyond this, it’s important to do a thorough job after pooping. For many, wiping simply isn’t enough. Water should be involved, unless your fiber intake is so good that you barely need to wipe at all. And even then, I’m still recommending a splash or two. A bidet is ideal, but you can also do the job in the shower or by sitting on the rim of the bathtub and applying water from the bath spigot. You have the option to incorporate soap there as well, and to that I say, “Why not?” There are also butt wipes. Also consider blow-drying your butt on the cold setting after showering, as trapped moisture may be contributing to the funk (as in the case of swamp ass).
You may still smell your own butthole, but there’s a difference between the anus-area musk and poop. If you don’t know the difference, you need to clean better. Get to scrubbing.
Share Your Story With How to Do It!
Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point our How to Do It writers make, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each month, Jessica and Rich will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers. Write to us!
Dear How to Do It,
My fiancé and I, both men, have been together for 10 years and engaged for two of them. I love him, I really do. We’re in an open relationship. For a long time I was OK with that arrangement. My libido is so low it just made sense for him to be able to hook up outside our relationship. Over the last year, though, he has cheated twice. And I know a lot of people are saying, ”How do you cheat in an open relationship?” but he did. Our agreement is that he will let me know when he’s going to hook up or have someone over. Both times he cheated, he didn’t tell me. I found out about the first time when I came home and there was evidence of a hook up. He said he just forgot to mention it and swore he sent the text. No text was sent. The second time though, he hid it. Which definitely counts, to me, as cheating.
These events, and a general shift in my priorities, have led me to no longer want an open relationship. This is a must-have for him, so I have decided to end our relationship. I’m heartbroken, but I am 37 and I don’t have the time or energy to fight about it or live in an unhappy relationship. Here is my question: How does one go about untangling their life from someone they’ve been with for a decade? We share bank accounts, credit cards, I’m on his car lease. We’re not married, so no divorce is needed, but our lives are so entrenched in each other that the idea of separating them is overwhelming.
If I thought he would be down for a monogamous relationship, I’d pursue it, but I know he wouldn’t be. He loves sex and seeking it out. I do not. I suppose it was destined to end this way, but I never could have imagined he would cheat or that my feelings would change. Any advice?
—Closing the Door
Dear Closing the Door,
If you are truly as resolute as you say in your letter, there is very little that anyone can say—your fiancé, your friends, your family, me—to affect your decision. Knowing that you may well ignore this, I will nonetheless tell you that I think the way that you are playing this is severe. There are two instances in your letter in which you suggest that you have made your decision with the help of mind-reading: “This is a must-have for him, so I have decided to end our relationship,” and, “If I thought he would be down for a monogamous relationship, I’d pursue it, but I know he wouldn’t be.” If in fact you are deciding for your fiancé based on past conversations, I think you should at least hear him out again. Perhaps an ultimatum would inspire him to change course. I understand that you feel like you know him so well that him pledging to attempt monogamy would amount to a waste of time that ends in disappointment, but going over this again would not take up too much time. You aren’t wrong for wanting your rules to be honored, and sure, you can call it cheating when they haven’t been, but it could be illuminating to hear directly from him why he couldn’t abide by what seems like a very minor ask in exchange for sexual freedom.
Maybe he was lazy or, worse, the transgression was part of the thrill, but there could have been things about the relationship or your regard of his separate sex life that made him feel nervous about disclosing. This is not to excuse him or to blame you, it’s just to underline how intricate the truth can be sometimes. It’s very easy to blame and say, “You crossed the line”; it takes more effort to understand why someone who is a good enough person to have qualified as your partner for 10 years would do so. I recommend it. Even if it doesn’t change your mind, it may provide clarity and/or closure.
Untangling your lives will be complicated. This is not a financial advice column, so I’m not going to devote much space to that. Hopefully, you can fairly divide your assets, which may not be a full 50/50 split, if, for example, one of you has a higher salary than the other. You can look into mediators if you cannot come to an agreement between yourselves on these matters—some specifically work with unmarried couples. It would be great to have someone with experience. As overwhelming as divvying up the assets seems, that’s all doable. It can be murky, but there is a definitive solution to be reached. It’s basically a math problem. It’s the other stuff—the emotional stuff, the identity stuff—that is much more difficult. You have existed as a joint organism for about a decade. Severing that can be confusing and excruciating. You will be bombarded with reminders of your split. Every decision, big or little, will force you to think about the new fork in your life’s road. Who will you bring to the next wedding you’re invited to? Who will you watch The White Lotus with when it returns to air? Who will scratch your back? The inside jokes you had with your partner, for the most part, will remain inside. Every day may pose a new emotional challenge. You might cry a lot. But you get through it because you know your life isn’t going to stop over a man. A strong support system (family, friends) is crucial, and keeping yourself busy is generally a good idea. You can take the time you need to wallow, sure, but you won’t get on with your life by lying in bed all day everyday. Getting through it is hard, but not impossible.
—Rich
More Advice From Slate
I’m a 35-year-old heterosexual man who’s into BDSM. When looking at prospective play partners, there is one thing that so many of them say that just instantly rules them out: “I don’t have limits. Do anything you want to me.” On one hand, it’s useful for screening them out. But on the other hand, it’s profoundly troubling that people like this exist and go to munches. Where do they come from? And how can I get better at spotting and avoiding them?